Undertaker's Daughter

My life and death as spiritual path.

Location: River City, Northern California

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I Know The Truth Will Make Us Something But I Can't Remember What

Maybe, it'll just make us crazy.

[This is a mammajamma wierd blog and I got no idea if I'm blowing smoke on this one-- read it and judge for yourselves.]

"How do we protect the truth of ourselves in a world that seems to require us to never be who and what we are?"

How do we see ourselves through the haze of what we should be, who we want to be and what we do not want to see?

Well, this is how I have done it so far:

I Look. We look. I pray we all try to look. At ourselves, compassionately but ruthlessly. Everyday. We look behind the light into the shadow, we look where we are not supposed to see and who we are not supposed to be.

And we live with that.

No, we also have to love it, that's the secret of the darkness within.


Because that is the heart of the truth of who we are.

It's the secret of the Light too, but how easy is it to Respect and love the Light -- aren't we drawn to it from birth, like sunflowers, our heads naturally turn towards the source of light.

Our hearts, like Mary's hold and comfort the shadow, and think on it deeply as the future looms. We need to be Christ and Mary, Isis and Osiris. Able to shine, reflect and magnify the glory that we see and freely give it out like blessing to others.


Able to know and own the darkness that surrounds that glory as the womb surrounds the child. Everything that now hurts and hinders us, was once an attempt to survive, working as well as it could. All our enemies were once allies, they need to be allies again.

And-- this is the most important thing.

Not everything in the dark is bad. Much is the essential strength, courage, definition of our lives. Every sexual thought we ever had lies there in the warm fluid darkness, not truly knowing what the hell it is, good or evil. Like soup without salt for savor, add a little love and/or joy and make it good. Um, respect wouldn't hurt either, never does. For yourself, your partner, hell, your lubricant and your hand. Even your fantasy. Maybe, especially your fantasy.

Tip: what is goodness? Look to the Hippocratic oath and remember, first do no harm. And you're kidding yourself if you think Love is harmless. You have to make it so.

back to our regular scheduled program

I tell you what John of the Cross told me: Put Love where there is no love and you will "grow" love. Just like a garden in rich river soil.

In you. In me.

Why do I hold the shadow as a lover? The shadow is my truth. Our truth. god's truth.

Our secret ally against despair.

So, back to the first quote of my Lectio Divina. That came from A Thousand Paths to Tranquility. We know we cannot live a lie and yet we do or feel we must in order to "fit in" "get along" "be sociable."

Maybe I'm lucky to be a hermit, or a dangerous woman. I never quite understood why everyone who saw pitiful me thought me dangerous. But I did tell the truth-- had no choice, being the atrocious liar that I am. The Truth is dangerous. Big unknown cause we are not used to it.

Small excursion into what might be called the political vein: no place in media or politics or even school, outside of math class, possibly, is a sure source of the truth. Every single venue I have mentioned-- church?? I'm not sure, some churches certainly-- fears the truth as a wild quantity we cannot handle and will not give it to us. Fear their own ability to measure the truth, even so much as fact, which in my mind is a lesser truth-- so they push it away for cliches, things "everyone knows", rampant untruths and rumors.

I can't tell you where the world's truth is-- but I think you do know it when you hear it. I think a clear thoughtful mind can perceive the big lies floating everywhere-- look for the fear trailing off of them.

You know where to look for your own truth. In your heart, without sugar-coating, excuses or rationalisation. But always with compassion. Live that and the world's truth will literally seek you out.

Do I know this? No. No, I merely want it to be true. But I believe in magic and this is a spell. The only kind I ever do anymore.

Stay true and Fear not, You aren't alone.


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