Undertaker's Daughter

My life and death as spiritual path.

Location: River City, Northern California

Sunday, April 17, 2005


an inconsequential thread about a minor vent
but-- as William Shatner once said-- It Hurts!!

It's one of those days I believe in Astrology.

Happens without warning-- usually under extreme duress.

You must understand, I have great latitude when dealing with the pseudo-science of astrological cliche and excuses, um, I mean explanations. I'm a cusp-baby, right dead on the degree between Sagittarius, that slap-happy, amusingly clumsy, charismatically expounder of the Big Picture in the most optimistically open-minded way [when we're not hide-bound dogmatic clutchers of the self-fabricated legends in our on minds] And tuther side of the cusp is that granite-is-too-soft lump of pessimism and conspiracy that sounds crazy as a bed bug but is the most practical sign in the Zodiac, Capricorn, the sea goat who climbs mountains-- go figure.

If you are a fan of Law and Order, even the spin offs, and that old but fabulous precursor of tough-minded, well written crime oriented dramas, Homicide, you might remember Munch, played by Richard Beltzer--intense, doom and gloom laden, fast talking apocolyptic cynic and Cap to the tee. Yeah, well, I'm currently channeling Munch and it's a hard ride, poor guy.

Why am I babbling all this? I just moved heaven and earth-- nearly literally-- to get a new bed-- or rather to get a new mattress to complete a bed that I got last year that was magnificent but totally worthless untill I could find a mattress that did not cause instant excruciating pain everytime I came near it, nay even looked at it-- it was, indeed that hard.

Solid Concrete energy from the planet Krypton radiated from it and penetrated my tender joints within a distance of -- oh, ten feet! Not exactly kidding. When I tried to lie down on it to see if the feather bed helped-- I was only able to get one leg half on it and not all my weight on that-- we' are talking meteorite hard. I'm not even sure how they managed to make Latex foam with this much density.

Any rate, I finally saved enough and cajoled the rest-- $900, yikes!!-- from my trust fund. Hey, I passed on a wheelchair I really really need to get to support groups and live truly independently-- hell, just to sit up for more than half a hour without doing damage to my joints-- for 12 thousand smackers cause I know there isn't 12 thousand to spare. So $900 to keep my back going maybe one more year in an adjustable bed didn't seem outrageous.

Sorry for the extended apology and explanation-- I've been making it so long to the Powers that Be and indeed, even to the dogs and houseplants that it is second nature to trot it out and air it once again.

As my bank said in its comforting Ghost of Xmas Future guise-- Just because you're in a wheelchair doesn't mean there's any money there. Ah, do you feel more secure now, I certainly did.

Anyhoo, to leave our venting interlude and get back to the matter at hand.

Capricorns-- which I have decided to be today-- Hate Change!

Never mind that i've been running in Sagittarian tentative optimism for at least a month, lining up a time to send for the mattress-- from Foam Sweet Foam* -- finding a time when the winds and rain were not going to ruin it on the porch-- Fed-Ex was kind enough to bring it all the way inside my bedroom but one cannot depend on random acts of kindness just bless them when they come-- round up the always elusive handyman to put the whole thing together and move the contraption into my copious bedroom-- buy more ersatz feather beds to cushion joints that really desire a return to dust more than anything in this world-- figure out the logistics of how to transfer from one bed to another without unplugging the electric wheelchair from its 8 hour lockdown. It was a mammoth challenge and I DID it! Yea! Hooray!

Am I thrilled?

I am terrified.

Did I mention, Capricorns Hate change. Yeah, well, it bears repeating.

When I first laid down in the new bed, I thought it was the most comfortable thing I'd ever felt in my whole life. That may still be true. For all I know.

I barely slept last night. I slept less in the new bed than in the old bed.

It was. . . different. I'm not saying it hurt. It didn't exactly hurt. It was different. It was also a bit more dangerous to get into and out of-- just a bit-- I never had one bit of problem or slippage-- ok, one, but I expected it and it was not serious. The bed adjusted beautifully. The commode-- always a touchy subject to bring up-- but rather essential-- was in a convenient place and it worked well. Scared me occasionally-- different place, working in the near dark, But the placement worked very well.

Shit, everything scared me, including the comforting candle on the altar.

I hurt beyond measure this morning. I'm telling myself this is normal and God knows it really is-- change produces physical alterations that produce feelings that are like pain-- and in this case actually are pain but not unbearable.

I know this is all normal-- what a dorky unsatisfactory word-- I know I didn't screw up-- I could feel my back seriously deteriorating two days before the new bed came in, and even though it did not make my back feel better-- the pelvis along the spine does not have that sinking feeling it was developing just 24 hours ago.

I know I did not screw up. In fact, I may make it through the winter with a few adjustments now. At any rate, my chances of being entirely confined to bed is lessened.

I hope.

My hospice worker, my acupuncturist, both dear irreplaceable friends-- as the truest friends always are-- are coming today. They are endlessly kind and when not endlessly humoring of a sick old lady. They will tell me I did not screw up-- well Mr B-- my marvelous needle man may say so what if I did, it may be a good screw up.

I'll believe them-- for a while. Boy, I wish they were here tonight around midnight when the Capricorn conundrum will probably raise it's dubious head again. And say-- You sure????

Not sure that there is any redeeming value to this thread and if I was a good girl I'd not publish it.

But I gave up being a good girl a long time ago-- it was seriously holding me back from being me.

And if there is anything worth taking away from this rant, it is that rants help you figure out what's eating at you even if they don't fix a darn thing except the anxious silence that would exist without the rant releasing that. And there is also Bee's little insight-- which he might not even make-- There can be good screw ups. I gotta feeling this is one of them. And a massive prayer going out that this is true.

*[yes, I highly recommend them especially if you live on the West coast, although they do deliver in all the contiguous 48 states, charge a ludicrous $12.50 for 3 day Fed Ex delivery, no white glove, and their stuff is primo, not even a teensy dent from a rather large lady sleeping a lot on their mattresses for three years-- most mattresses cry for mercy and give up the ghost in a month or less. You can even talk to real people. Believe me, I don't even get 10% discount for the unsolicited testimonial.]

The next thread will be about Happy and Boo, the most heart-warming death meditation I ever experienced and a rag-doll love story like no other. So bear up, gentle readers.


Anonymous Anonymous said...


Thanks for yours, which came to me by email. Reply didn't work, though. Found an email address in the website mentioned, but don't know if it will get through.

My email is pkelly04@maine.rr.com. Yours, if you wish, is ?


2:21 PM  
Blogger Prairie Girl said...

I love your take on astrology, Queri and I too have had bed stress that was also relieved by a good latex matress.

Here's to better nights!

-- Prairie Girl
(a pathological Libra)

11:13 AM  
Anonymous Donny said...

I AM A complete capricorn...it sucks ass. i fucking hate having so much malevolence surrounding me...but, i love being a capricorn....no much fucking weight i have to carry around all the time. lol. i am SO TIRED.

7:14 PM  

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