Undertaker's Daughter

My life and death as spiritual path.

Location: River City, Northern California

Saturday, March 12, 2005


You must have heard of Oxycontin, the well-known very addictive pain killer that has brought great relief to many. Well, it brought great relief to me-- until it didn't. I'm facing a change of season in which my joints are screaming and going out at a moment's notice and my meds which have been a boon up till now, are deciding to become obsolete every couple of weeks. I have enough to take more to get through, more than enough. . .Well, others have gotten addicted that way and I ain't taking that step though the thought of going through the misery of leaving one med that sorta works for the vast and expensive unknown is not a happy thought.

I'm trying, until I see my doctor, some other alternatives. One is to relax into the pain.

Ever try it? I don't recommend it for peace of mind-- oh, it works once you can manage it. But trying to relax when all you really want to do is scream is so damn counter-inuitive it's mind-boggling. I spend five long excoriating minutes in the chair, any chair, muttering relax, relax when I only want to cry.

And, sometimes I do.

Art is better. It doesn't hurt-- it doesn't stop the hurt at once either-- until, the work becomes a force unto itself and then there is no pain or anything but getting the piece done. And though the pain then comes back, well you do have something perhaps pleasurable to look at afterwards, something that lasts.

I work in a couple of fields, lately the easiest is fractals as I can finish them without crashing my computer, and that's a bonus. 3D is not as forgiving. And there is something relaxing in dealing with pure color and line.

I don't claim to be a master at this, I think I'm good, beyond that, well, it's basically in the eye of the beholder, so. . . behold.


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