Undertaker's Daughter

My life and death as spiritual path.

Location: River City, Northern California

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Well, yes. . . The title is not hyperbole. For the first 18 years of my life I lived in an apartment over my father's funeral home. A rather sumptuous apartment I hasten to add lest one think of steaming radiators with pans of cloves boiling on top of them to take away the odor of formaldehyde seeping through the walls. The only prevalent odors were canned peas and carrots-- thoroughly vile enough, I assure you, but common in the Ike years.

It was, on the surface, a normal enough life. They didn't use the hearse to drive me to school.

However, in my life-- as in, I suppose, everyone's, just not as vividly apparent-- death was omnipresent. And that fact became clear at least by the time I was three and a half years old. It tends to make you either crazy or a mystic or both. Time is judging me. For the first decade or so, the major manifestation was talking to this nice old man-- God-- most nights, and, yes, he talked back. Then going to sleep and having nightmares about rather active and malevolent dolls.

I was a very brave little girl.

Two years, ago, almost, I lost the use of my legs. Overnight. The pain is increasing and not very manageable. Once again death reemerges as a fundamental element of my life. A future which awaits me sooner than I thought. Certainly sooner than I would have chosen and choice does enter into the equation.

I am no longer that brave little girl. And the nightmares have returned.


Anonymous Lady MoonDance said...

If there is one thing that J has taught me, it is that no matter how old we are sometimes our little girl just needs someone to hold her and scare the ghosts away, even if just for a while.

*reaching out a hand with supportive thoughts and any energy that I can send to comfort you*

Moon girl

6:55 PM  
Blogger Queri said...

Thank you for your kindness. It would appear that more than my angels are actually reading this blog. That knocks me senseless. In a very good way for a change.

The real surprising thing is how strengthening and empowering writing all this down turned out to be. I knew it, but I guess I didn't believe it. If anybody else is reading this, this is the paragraph to grok and act upon. If you have been thinking about doing a blog-- Make it so.
Just as you, Moon Girl, didn't know how very much I needed this particular comment just then. Bless you.

12:16 PM  
Blogger sauder thoughts said...

I hesitate to give you this advice but I can see that you would appreciate it. Read the new version of Heaven and Hell by Emmanuel Swedenborg. Written in 1760 there is a new version that give us the most wonderful connection and thoughts. Emmerson and the Brownings read it and even Lincoln was an avid reader. You will thank me...

6:29 PM  

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